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Sunday, September 06, 2009

~of acute leukemia

Sunday, September 06, 2009

of acute leukemia

The Amitais' grandmother died, and I went to the funeral. It didn't really affect me at all, because I don't remember her at all. I may have met her at some point, or I may not have. She died of the same thing my own grandmother (my mother's mother) is diagnosed with, so most of the time I was there my mind went back to envisioning her eventual funeral. That's something I've been thinking about since the news of her diagnosis.

The problem I see is this: traditionally, one only says positive things of the dead. To do otherwise is the height of tactlessness, and I think that's the point where even I should be careful. I like my aunts and uncles, and I don't want to alienate them all. And while I don't have a particularly healthy relationship with my siblings right now, I don't think it would be any more pleasant if they outright despised me.

And it really wouldn't take much to make myself an outcast: all I'd need to do is open my mouth. I don't like my grandmother, and I have no positive memories of her. So really, the only reasonable thing to do at the funeral is to keep my mouth shut at all times.

I picture the scene with lots of rain, because I associate America with the existence of rain. All my family and extended family would be crying, while I'd be sitting out in the rain, trying to suppress the smile that I'd naturally have while sitting in the rain. And if anyone came over and said to me, "You're being awfully quiet, no?", I'd just nod.



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