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Monday, June 01, 2009

Respite From Everything Else

When the double-header of Shavuot-Shabbat came a few days ago, it was almost a relief. Sure, there's nothing to do on Shabbats and holidays. But at least I wouldn't feel guilty for not working on my game.

This morning I tried working. (Access Boss kicked me out of my user at 2:00.) I say "tried" because I'm having very little success. I always feel like I'm playing that unwinnable game of Tetris -------
the lines only disappear temporarily
you need to get all the lines simultaneously
the lines only disappear temporarily
all lines come back
, where my efforts don't feel anything like progress. Today the way I spent the time was by trying to figure out how much to multiply the X and Y values I was using in the prototype, so that it works with Kyler's design. The mathematical answer I found doesn't seem to work at all. I was getting a ride with Harvey around 4:30, so I left the house at maybe 4:25. (He picks me up right across the street.) I was in a terrible mood, but I didn't bring my DS. The idea was that maybe if I had nothing to do, some sort of inspiration would hit and I'd know what to do next. (This didn't happen.)

Oklahoma opens tomorrow. This was the dress rehearsal on stage. Backstage I try to be friendly (by my standards) with my fellow cast mates, because with home being how it is I'd like to be comfortable away from it. On stage, I never feel like I know what I'm supposed to be doing: Where exactly am I supposed to be standing? What sorts of movements am I supposed to make while I'm there? What's the timing supposed to be for my lines? Binder has made it clear that there is a right thing to do at any moment, but he rarely makes it clear what that is. Almost no one knows when they're supposed to be getting on and off the stage; we all just stand around and wait for the one person who seems to know his cue and then we all rush to follow him. The upside is that this isn't my show. If I don't know what I'm doing, no big deal. The show will go on regardless of what I'm doing. The downside is that at the end of the day, I haven't learned anything and haven't accomplished anything. And for this I'm sacrificing most of my day.

I've finally gotten home, in a lousy mood. And I'm trying so hard not to think of how much I'm going to hate this week (six performances!), that I think I see what I need to do for my game tomorrow. I've got to go back to square one. I don't feel like I'm making progress because I'm not making progress. I've been trying to manipulate Kyler's design so that it functions like my design. But that's never going to work. His design is totally different, and I'm moving it around in a totally different way. So anything I figured out for the prototype can't be more than a very rough guideline. That prototype wasn't easy to make, but if it's not helpful it's not helpful. The downside of having my own project is that if I get stuck there's no one to bail me out. The upside is, no one's waiting for me to get there. (Except maybe Kyler. I do feel guilty about making him wait for this.) So it can take as long as it takes.

It's like I always say: misery leads to progress.



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