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Monday, March 16, 2009

God damn it.

I spent hours working. And yes, I finished a prototype. And if this is the best I can do, I do not deserve to exist.

God damn it!

I've been having a nightmare lately about Tetris. In it, I realize that the blocks that disappear don't really disappear. They come back as soon as you make another line. You know what, these words don't really explain the nightmare. I've been going over it in my head, trying to figure out what the rules of the game are. And though I feel certain that they could make sense, I'm not certain that I'm capable of making sense of them. But the feeling it makes- the feeling is that it really ought to be possible to clear away those lines, except that rationally there is no conceivable way to win the game and it keeps on going forever. I'm not quite sure that conveys it. Like I said, these are just words. That nightmare was the most scared I have ever been at least since I was a little kid. I only had it once while I was asleep, but after that I've been feeling its presence when I'm awake. The blocks never go away. God help me, they never go away. I don't even understand what that means, and it has me so scared, like there's no point in living if those are the rules of the game.

Anyway. The feeling of that nightmare is the feeling I have right now. I woke up this morning thinking that I, as a creature, have some value in this universe. And then I made this prototype, this horrendous piece-of-shit monstrosity, and now I don't think that's true. I don't think

I want my Game Over already. Is there some way to

God damn it.



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