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Sunday, December 07, 2008

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion

title="27/11/2008">Aw, to heck with it.•
When Moshe told me he was auditioning for the musical 1776, I congratulated him but didn't really think to try out for myself. … But then, yesterday, my mother e-mailed me the notice for auditions. And I thought about it. And I'm going to go there today.

I didn't know what song to bring to audition with. … So last night and today, I made up a new one.
title="27/11/2008">How The Audition Went•
Did I make a fool of myself? Why, yes. Yes, I did.
title="30/11/2008">I got in.•
I'm going to be playing John Witherspoon in 1776.
title="10/8/2006">Imagined Opportunities•
Everyone needs opportunities to offer something to others, be that a joke or a service or an experience. We understand this, you and I. And when you never get an opening, you get pretty desparate. When no one wanted to listen to your music in the Academy, you went and played in recesses anyway, pretending you would have whether or not your classmates were there. But really you'd reached the point where you thought you'd make openings for yourself where none existed. And what did that desparation get you? Did anyone in your class listen to what you were playing? No.
title="07/6/2008">In Darkness•
What sort of reward could you possibly be expecting? It's not just about reward. You don't do things only to get somewhere, you also do things just because they're there to be done.
It turns out, I'm not in a single song. I'm in a musical where I don't get to be involved with the music in any way. (So what's the point, right?) There are two parts for the chorus- the first is before my character makes his entrance, the second is just for those against independence. (My character is on the wrong side, being for it.) All other songs are for specific characters. So I'm left saying lines like "New Jersey votes yea." and "I'm sorry, John." and an impassioned speech about God which is actually just one bullet point in a long list.

I asked the assistant director: "Was my singing voice that bad?" "No", she said, "We didn't think of that at all. We just thought you were right for the part." Which could be the whole truth. Or it could be how she says "Yes, you stink." while trying not to offend me.

I did mess up pretty badly. I keep running the song through my head, over and over, every single day. Messing up that song is going to be one of those things I regret for the rest of my life, like what happened at the Beauty and the Beast audition and that time in the Academy where I didn't know the religious stuff I was supposed to know and reading that haftarah in shul where I got up and couldn't remember the trup and the time I started crying to get sympathy in seventh grade and the times I was violent and the time in fifth grade I thought I was going to be performing in a concert but I wasn't and the time in second grade I sang a song out loud and the time in first grade I rejected a friend because of peer pressure. Mistakes don't go away. I keep thinking of all the ways that audition should have gone, what piano music I should have written up to accompany it. I know exactly why the rhythm seemed weird, and that it needed to switch the number of beats each measure: 4,4,5,3,3,4,2,4,4,…

Moshe got the main villain. (He doesn't like calling him a "villain", preferring "rival".) I'm so jealous. So I said to him: "I'm so jealous." And he said: "Don't be. It took me five plays to get here!" Which is a good point. I have no experience, Moshe has lots. They can trust him. They certainly can't trust me.

I recognized some of the faces at the first rehearsal from Beauty and the Beast. I was happy to see Jerry there, who I'd sat next to in those rehearsals. I was disappointed, when that show fell apart, that I'd never gotten a chance to say goodbye to him. Which is probably silly- I shouldn't get emotionally invested in people I just happened to be sitting next to. Still, he also got a pretty tiny role in this thing. It's doesn't have to be so lonely at the bottom.

With such a simple part, I need some opportunities to make myself feel better. So every time someone asks me "How are you?", I'm going to respond, "Very good! I'm working on my second computer game, having finished the first.". That's something I could never do before- present myself as a person who's actually moving somewhere. And any time that piano isn't in use, I'll jump at the chance to improvise while pretending I don't care if anyone listens. Er, I mean- while not caring if anyone listens. Silly me, did I say "pretending"? I'll just go hide in that corner now.

One opportunity which isn't just imagined is that I get to spend more time with Moshe. That'll be fun.

But I dunno, I'm disappointed. I know I can do more than this. I'm not just a random guy, I'm Mory the gamist and sometimes-composer. The idea I've gotta swallow is that that doesn't mean squat. I'm not entitled to anything at all. I've gotta build myself up from scratch, find opportunities and work at them until I have made something of myself.

Or at least gotten a new set of embarrassing memories.



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