Okay, okay, I know it's not easy to be so skeptical. Everyone needs opportunities to offer something to others, be that a joke or a service or an experience. We understand this, you and I. And when you never get an opening, you get pretty desparate. When no one wanted to listen to your music in the Academy, you went and played in recesses anyway, pretending you would have whether or not your classmates were there. But really you'd reached the point where you thought you'd make
openings for yourself where none existed. And what did that desparation get you? Did anyone in your class listen to what you were playing? No.
And with that desparation, it can be hard to be skeptical of openings that come your way. You want nothing more than to take it and for it to be real. But it never is. Those friendlier kids back there weren't interested in being friends just because they were willing to talk to you. Your sisters weren't really
interested in Zelda. And they were never serious about getting that DS. And Dena wasn't really going to keep reading new comics, but did you ever shut up about these things? No! Did you ever figure out that you should stop getting your hopes up? No! And you know why? That's right, it's just because you're an idiot.
When someone is willing to borrow Myst, it doesn't mean he'll ever play it. When someone is willing to borrow Babylon 5 episodes, it doesn't mean he'll ever watch them. And yet you keep waiting, keep hoping that you can offer something. It never sinks in until after
the moment of disappointment that the opportunity never existed in the first place.
Look what you've done now. The latest in a long line of idiotic emotional investments. The latest time you've left yourself open to disappointment by paying attention to vague hints. It started when Sammy mentioned on her blog
that her birthday was coming up. You knew
how hard it always was to understand what she was saying and you saw
the part where she said it was in just a few days. And she's not even your friend, so you didn't really have any excuse! It's not like you know anything about her but for the ridiculously vague things she posts about.
Well, you were so desparate to get your music appreciated by anyone
that you took this as an opportunity. "I never got anything for my
birthday.", you said, "Maybe it would be nice to give
a birthday present for once.". And that's all it took to fool yourself. Never mind that she never said when her birthday was, even when you flat-out asked
her. And never mind that she specifically said it was in just a few days. You had to assume
that since her blog went by Gregorian dates, the date she had used as her birthday last year
was her birthday. And you got the ridiculous notion in your head that since she (you thought) played piano, you'd have an excuse here to compose something that someone else might play. What an idiot.
That date I was going by was the Hebrew
date. Her birthday had been a month earlier. (She doesn't use the Hebrew dates on her blog presumably because she doesn't know she can, and not because she cares about Gregorian dates at all.) And to top it all off, she's not even playing piano anymore! And so I'm left, wishing her a happy birthday and practically getting ready to beg
to give her a piece I've just composed.
It was quite humiliating, really.
And all because you
can't get it through your head that these opportunities you're seeing aren't real
. They're just mirages
, the daydreams of the overactive imagination of a desparate idiot.
Please don't do anything like this again.