I Am Not…

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I vs. I
A game by Mordechai Buckman

Late-night thoughts, none of them new

I scare people away, don't I. I wanted to argue with everyone, and now I've got no one left to argue with. No one but myself.

I'm not.

Just let me win already.

IF only

And what's so wonderful about arguing, that I'd want to do it even with myself?

♫ Some Day Myself Will Come… ♫

Who am I?

This is just stupid.

Maybe it's my fault, like she said. Maybe if I'd given my characters more to do, they would have stuck around.

Oh, no. Conflicted about the blog?

a quiet day

Wasn't the dream to love myself? I like that dream. What happened to it?

Myself and I

Two Glasses

Well, I never fit in with the kids at school...

Good Riddance

Rebellion Renewed

Seriously, what the hell am I doing here? I've been working on this post for months, and for what? Just to will into existence a conflict, to provide a suitable climax to a section of my life which I've defined myself! Okay, I've done artificially self-referential nonsense before, but this is going too far.

Matters of Taste

God damn it.

I feel like I'm playing that unwinnable game of Tetris. The more I write, the more I have left to write later!

Hollow Depth.

Every structure should have an exit.

Scene-switching

You know what? I'm out.

Just let me win already.

But this line of thought is getting me nowhere. Let's move on.

The Thinkers

Maybe some people like artificially self-referential nonsense!

Nonlinear long-form storytelling

Excellence vs. Accessibility

Granted, that's gotta be a small minority. I understand that most people want blogs to be simple. But if I want to do something bigger and more complex and even maybe a bit artificial, well, there's value in that too.

Purveyor of Silliness

I'm using an interesting structure here, okay? Give me some credit.

Purveyor of Silliness

which is right, I guess. I'm not supposed to fit in.

An Evil Statement

Game flow control

What is wrong with me? It's been five years since I got out of school, why am I still complaining about it?

You can take the kid out of the school…

21 Now

5 days, 5 years... what's the difference.

Deadline

It's a shame this post doesn't let you take back button-presses; that was a stupid thing to say.

An Evil Statement

Look, if God wanted me to be happy, he would have put me in a world where I didn't have to play the outcast. But I'm not supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to bring some more conflict to the world.

Religion

Counting Blessings

The Pathetic Life of a Super-Villain

No one "gets over" their past, they just learn to live with it.

"So what are you doing next year?"

Maybe it was just unrealistic. Reflections of myself (like this blog, for instance) are just going to magnify my flaws, like a microphone turned on its speaker. Only other people (who I insist on driving away, for some reason) can have a positive impact.

Diversity (and lack thereof)

Interview with an Ideal

But how am I supposed to meet those people who I ought to meet, if I'm perfectly content just jabbering to myself?

Interview with an Ideal

My relationship with myself is... complicated.

Simplify!

On a Scale From

I'm not the sort of person that can love anything or anyone unconditionally, not even myself. Everything's on a scale from 1 to 10, everything's subject to scrutiny and evaluation.

Is it really a good show?

But that's no excuse for ignoring feelings. When I analyze and challenge my gut feelings, I usually find that they make sense.

I couldn't figure out the math before.

Then let's make it simple.

Natural / Rational

The Trip

And that's what I'm doing, isn't it? All that frustration with the way things are has gotten me to realize that videogames are what I have to offer in my life.

I'll keep this brief.

By this point, I feel like nothing else in the world is particularly important, except for gamism.

I've been workin' on the weblog, all the live-long day...

And yet, I'm spending more time on this blog post than on The March of Bulk.

No Way To Run A Production

That's what I do, isn't it? I take complex life experiences, and boil them down into a collection of simple ideas.

Easterly Wave

Natural / Rational

Snapshots

Remind me again, how has that interpreting-the-world thing gone so far? Flawless track record, I take it?

That's better.

How To Fix X-Men

Oh, shut up. If I took the time to get all the necessary information and made an informed interpretation, I'd get it right.

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...

The truth is, the world is never really going to make sense to me. When I look at the apparent imperfections and contradictions in the world I can find a nice and neat little theory to explain how they'll make way for something better, but in the end that something better isn't going to come and the apparent imperfections will still be there. Face it: stories never go where I want them to. Why should life be any different?

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...

But the ideas don't matter so much. Life isn't a series of ideas, it's a series of moments, and those are much more complicated. You can't boil an experience down into ideas without losing something.

The Seven Levels of Experience

Bah. Experiences only mean anything when they have an effect on me, and those effects always make sense.

Worth the paper

I couldn't figure out the math before.

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...

Sometimes it seems like there's no sense, but I just need to be patient. If I try hard enough to make sense of things, they'll make sense.

Presents / Self Defense

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...

I may be thinking too much.

Universal notation

But why should I bother trying to see the world so objectively? That's not even possible, really. So why not put aside the rationalizing and just try to enjoy life a little?

Deadline

Maybe it's better to not understand everything.

Many Excuses

the mundane and The Imaginary!

The real world is pretty dull, after all. Better to leave it mysterious and imagine that it's prettier than it is.

Beauty of the Mundane, Banality of the Imaginary

It's not enough for me to just have a thought, I always feel like I need to construct a whole system of thought around it so that it'll have perfect context. Every thought I might ever want to think needs to fit together somehow. That's not even really rationality anymore, it's just my obsessive need to neatly categorize everything. Not everything can or should be categorized!

Gamism Theory

Seventy-four

Sometimes there just isn't any real meaning to be found!

Gamism Theory

No, everything in the world can be fit together somehow, if I really sit down and try. I'm sure of it.

So simple an idea...

The correct way for How I Met Your Mother to end

Those little details in life that don't seem to matter will turn out to all be connected to each other. It all makes sense, really it does, I just need to figure out how. Maybe it won't be worth the wait, but it'll all fit together in the end.

"Are games art?"

And I think I know roughly what I'll find out. At some point by the end of my life, I'm going to be an influential gamist.

Since when am I so religious?

My American Brethren

Day of Wrest

Maybe I should go easy on the anti-society posturing. Life never goes well for the bad guy.

Superhero Symbolism: "Omega the Unknown"

Anyway, I prefer to think of myself as a misunderstood hero.

Interview with an Ideal

Hm. The "God hates me" rant would be a lot more convincing if I weren't so spoiled in so many ways.

Day of Wrest

I'm more religious than some.

7.00

A Typical Story

For me, religion is as much about making my father happy as it is about God. So I shouldn't be too quick to compare "how religious I am" to other people.

7.00

And don't I still resent God a little for imposing Shabbat on me?•

As the song goes:
Shabbat is over
My life may now resume
I thought I wouldn't make it
I thought I'd met my doom
I thought I couldn't take it
'Cause twenty-five hours is much too long for pacing 'round the room.
But enough of all this gloom
Shabbat is over
Time for a better day
My Gamecube and piano and computer I can play
Hooray! Hooray!
Callooh! Callay!
Shabbat is over now, come hear sweet freedom's call
"Barukh hamavdil bayn kodesh l'khol"
But as I move on I have one final plea
Hey God, could you please quit your picking on me?
Spare me the endless monotony which comes ever week
Let me live ever after happily or my future looks bleak
For what kind of life is it where every seven days I must go through a phase of such misery?
Let me be free of the madness!
Let me be free and let me feel gladness
Let me be free in a world without "shabbos"
Shabbat is over now
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free!

I enjoy Shabbat.

I've always gone on about how God is so antagonistic. And it's because of Shabbat, right? Every week, there's one day which I have to put aside to remind me that I'm not in control of my life, God is. This is what religion is to me- whatever God does for me, he's still the master and I'm still the slave, and if he decides on a rule I just have to go with it.•

As the song goes:
Shabbat is over
My life may now resume
I thought I wouldn't make it
I thought I'd met my doom
I thought I couldn't take it
'Cause twenty-five hours is much too long for pacing 'round the room.
But enough of all this gloom
Shabbat is over
Time for a better day
My Gamecube and piano and computer I can play
Hooray! Hooray!
Callooh! Callay!
Shabbat is over now, come hear sweet freedom's call
"Barukh hamavdil bayn kodesh l'khol"
But as I move on I have one final plea
Hey God, could you please quit your picking on me?
Spare me the endless monotony which comes ever week
Let me live ever after happily or my future looks bleak
For what kind of life is it where every seven days I must go through a phase of such misery?
Let me be free of the madness!
Let me be free and let me feel gladness
Let me be free in a world without "shabbos"
Shabbat is over now
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free!

I enjoy Shabbat.

Power Out

It's nice to have things taken away from us now and then. Every time we lose something, we gain something different. I just need to be open-minded enough to recognize what that is.

Friends

An Endless Shabbat

But I don't complain about that anymore. I realize now that Shabbat is a good thing.

Friends

Respite From Everything Else

That might just be because I'm working now. Anything will be more pleasant when there's a less-pleasant alternative. And Thursdays get really annoying.

Friends

An Endless Shabbat.

So I say, bring on the Shabbats. And bring on whatever God thinks I need! I can adapt.

Friends

But it's just as well, really- I do better without all the interruptions and awkward intrusions. I enjoy myself more, I get more done... it's all good.

The Multiplayer Experience

Socializing? Bleh!

Mistake, Lesson, Repeat

The worst part is when they try to give advice. Even with fictional characters- they all want me to be more like their idea of me, and less like my own. They all think they know what's best for me, especially the ones who don't understand me at all. Yep, better off without that headache. I'm better off without the company.

Please Insert Change

And what about all the great things you can only do with other people? What- are they supposed to find me?

Imagined Opportunities

No, it's just the nature of imaginary people. I always knew they'd let me down.

2.txt

Training Wheels Off

Meanwhile, in the future...

So that whole incident with expecting my imaginary girlfriend to be my boss... what was that, exactly?

Refuge

Start working.

Yeah, that was a mistake.

Refuge

It seemed to make sense, at the time. I had this character who could possibly have understood me, and recognizing that was just a huge relief compared to real people. So I got carried away.

Incompatible

No, I shouldn't be thinking about that. It's too tempting to start seeing possibilities that aren't there, and then I'd make a fool of myself... No.

Another one for the pile of regrets

Next Door to Opportunity

Sometimes it looks like there's something great just around the corner and all I have to do is walk over there and I'll get it, but then when I get there it turns out it was all just a trick of the light and I end up disappointed. Sometimes there's an opportunity right in front of my face, but that opportunity was only for someone else. Sometimes, I just can't get what I think I can get. I've got to stop thinking people will want to interact with me.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion

For most of the people I know, the default mode of interaction is smalltalk. I'm not missing much.

Incompatible

See, most of the people I know aren't people I could possibly have any kind of enjoyable relationship at all with.

Another one for the pile of regrets

Socializing in Solo

I'm surrounded by people who I can't relate to at all. Time and time again, I've seen that I can't get them to do anything with me.

Another one for the pile of regrets

Socializing in Solo

My Father And I Go To See Avatar

But what if there's someone who I'd want to meet? If I don't look to see what I'm missing, how will I ever know? What if there's someone who I really ought to get to know, but I only find out after it's too late?

People Who Need People

Outside the Comfort Zone

Fudgie and Willy

Sometimes it's worthwhile to be a little flexible.

People Who Need People

Yes, but what's the alternative? Relying on people who don't care that I'm relying on them?

My family

Matchmaker

Selfish Friendships

There's no sense in starting a relationship if I'm not going to get something out of it.

My family

Fudgie and Willy

Should I keep running after the emotional dead-end that is my family?

Friends

My Father And I Go To See Avatar

As long as I have a few friends to keep me company, I'll be fine. I don't really need any more than that.

I love my cat.

But why would anyone be my friend? I can't make them happy.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion

Anyway, I don't need them anymore. Over the course of writing them, I've come to see what they saw for myself.

Interview with an Ideal

Or was it me that let them down?

Interview with an Ideal

Pussywillow wasn't getting anything out of following Fudgie, and it's been years since he stopped. By my estimation, that makes me dumber than Pussywillow.

Matchmaker

Life is a single-player game. Throwing in more people ruins it.

Matchmaker

What about my father? He shares my interest in science-fiction, if he ever has the time for it.

We Don't Fit

Stop it already! Stop it! Why do I keep doing this to myself? My family is never going to do anything with me, except in very small doses and only if I keep prodding them and driving them crazy. This is not how a relationship is supposed to work!

Matchmaker

But I need human contact. That's a fact.

Pussywillow's embarrassing jump

So if and when I make a fool of myself, I've just got to pick myself up and try again. Eventually I'll find someone I can spend time with.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion

NOf course, no one has any obligation to even tolerate me. And who would? I'm a nobody.

Forward March

Alternatively, I could just give up now.

Illusory exodus

Natural / Rational

And what would that accomplish? An unearned freedom is just a temporary illusion.

Deadline

Purity

What's going on here is the age-old tension between emotions and ideas.

Purity

Playing Against Myself

No, it's the conflict between pretty thoughts and actual actions.

Who's telling this story, me or you?!

The Thinkers

Myst and Mirages

My god! How am I supposed to get a single coherent thought out, if every tiny little introductory statement I make is up for debate?

Natural / Rational

What's going on here is the age-old tension between emotions and ideas.

Purity

I don't want to be in conflict forever. It needs to be resolved.

The elimination of unworthy life

A Good Day

My Alphabet

So, what, some of my identity just gets thrown away like a bunch of weeds?

Order & Chaos

My Alphabet

Way it's gotta be. Either order wins, or chaos wins. There's no middle ground.

A Good Day

Thankfully, the solution is simple. I just need to have fun and stop worrying.

yawn... Hey, wait, does this blog still exist?

Alternate-Universe Me

Listen to me, I sound like a Hee fundamentalist. "Destroy the different! Maintain our idyllic state of purity!" I'm not sure it's less disturbing for the victim being myself.

The Perfect Color

But there's truth to it. A person who has opposing ideas fighting inside him is not going to have as much to offer society as a person who's let one idea thrive.

Wii

Then again, let's not exaggerate the importance of this truth. Not everything unfocused is necessarily bad! I like the Wii, don't I? The Wii is as unfocused as they come. And sure, I'd like it more if it were focused but I can appreciate it for what it is and it's been awfully influential for the interesting things it does. I wouldn't mind being like that.

Different Approaches
to Directing

The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise

You can try to do one thing really well, or you can try to be competent at everything. Both approaches are valid.

The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise

Hrmph. Things which aren't focused tend to go nowhere and end up with nothing accomplished. The same can be said of the Wii, and the same could be said of my life.

I'm supposed to be working now.

So I've got to stop distracting myself and focus on what matters.

Conflict, about the blog part 2

Which is probably what I did in most of the alternate universes out there, and it's certainly what my characters expect from me in this one. I'm a lazy person, it's in my nature. I'm perfectly content when doing nothing more than amusing myself. At any point I could stop fighting myself and let this timeline join the long list of others.

My interpretation of The Path

But at what point does the entertainment end? At what point do I start pursuing my actual plans for life?

Why am I here?

I have found that people who spend their days thinking about things tend to forget to ever do anything. It seems that the more you see the world in abstract concepts, the less involved you get with the world.

The Composer

It's a false world. Abstract concepts don't quite fit in it. It takes an ambitious person indeed to understand the world and still stay active in it.

Ready, Though Unworthy

It's always more frustrating than I expect.

And I'm not qualified to be that person. I'm not qualified to bring the real world closer to the world of ideas.

Mark Ecko, welcome to the Game Industry

Mimic and Mix

Or maybe I'm uniquely qualified. I'm always fitting random things from memory together in interesting ways. It seems to me that I couldn't do that if I didn't intuitively understand the ideas behind all those individual parts, and how those ideas worked in practice.

The Older Pianist

The Complete Rules of Moneyloopy

In Darkness

So okay, I don't know what I'm doing yet. But who does?

Mark Ecko, welcome to the Game Industry

If I'm not willing to push gamism in the right direction, then who will? The businessmen, who value money over creativity?

LostWinds: Tradition and Potential

Sports games

Now here's a good game!

The gamists, whose dreams are unfocused and aimless?

The Definitive Three-Step Method for Game Design

Sports games

Now here's a good game!

The gamers, who see all of gamism as one Form?

Sports games

Now here's a good game!

This is an industry where the most popular kind of game there is is sports games.

New Potentials

The Garden & Droplets: Metaludes

But there are some people who know what they're doing. Look at the work of Deirdra Kiai, for instance! She's throwing away all the old kinds of gameplay, and focusing on telling personal stories!

The Garden Needs Pruning: Adventures

So the adventure Form has one gardener who knows what she's doing. That's great. But considering that she's just one person and adventures are just one Form of many, I have to say that's not enough.

And so it begins...

Here, have some high culture.

Look at what David Shute is doing with exploration games! He's leaving out puzzles and action, and is doing some great work with world design!

The Garden & Droplets: Exploration

So there's one good gardener for exploration. That's not enough.

And so it begins...

Ball Revamped: Metaphysik

Look at the early work John Cooney did! He was making games which were focused on good control schemes...

The Garden & Droplets: Movement

Fine, so there might be one gardener for movement! But that's not enough!

And so it begins...

An industry so clueless, that my favorite kind of game isn't recognized at all!

New Potentials

And so it begins...

Listen to me. Gamism is going to get to where it needs to be, whether I'm involved or not.

Almost Possible

Oh, who do I think I'm fooling? I've seen what the current gamists are like. That time I went to Tel Aviv, I was surrounded by people whose only interest in gamism was monetary. The majority of Israeli game developers just make online gambling sites! There was only one guy there who I had any faith in at all. Roy Shapira knew what he needed to do and how to do it, and it was inspiring to talk to him. But his Form is action, which I don't even care about. And now I'm hearing that many of the people who'd been working for him have quit! And out of all those dozens of people in that bar in Tel Aviv, he was the only one with any potential at all. Really, who do I think I'm fooling. Gamism needs me.

What about all the new technologies that are being introduced these days? What about Project Natal, and Playstation Move, and even the Wii? Gamism is moving forward, with or without me.

The Impatient Phoenix Strikes (itself) Again!

Project Natal: Programmed By Machines

Project Natal works because it's generated by a computer program. No creativity needed, just efficiency. Businesses are good at that. Good software requires more of a human touch, and that's where the current crop of game developers are entirely inadequate.

Betrayal of Myst

Yeah, the industry's great at making new hardware. But when it's time to use that hardware for anything, they barely try.

Betrayal of Myst

When I look at how Myst fizzled out, and how Metroid was turned into an action series, and how Zelda has been spinning its wheels since 1998, I'm forced to conclude that the game industry does not know what it's doing.

No, it's the conflict between the old, real world and the new, virtual worlds.

Beauty of the Mundane, Banality of the Imaginary

Math Story

But you know, the real world really does have some appeal. Every world imaginable has its fair share of problems, and reality's no different, but it does have its charms.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

Which do not outweigh the problems, unfortunately. So I'll take escapism over reality any day.

Deadline

No, that's not it at all. I decided to develop multiple personalities back in ninth grade, when I was under a lot of social pressure. I remember that; I don't remember changing my mind. I just left it as something that I might do, should circumstances arise that call for it. Well, maybe I really did lightly split my personality back in ninth grade. Maybe the two of me have been arguing ever since, and that's where this entire blog is coming from.

Holy. Cabooses.

But it's only recently that I've forced myself to define my two personalities clearly. Funny how God arranges things, isn't it? The split is coming to a head now because only now do they have names: Barnaby and Ambrose. One is scared of the world and is just waiting to be told what to do, the other thinks he rules the world and is waiting for everyone to accept that.

Deadline

A buffer from the Real World

Barnaby has no problem with wasting time, because he expects the "Corneliuses" of the world to deal with reality for him.

Tanya's back, and all's well.

But Ambrose needs to be entirely self-reliant, because the other people he might be deluded into counting on tend to have warped priorities.

Deadline

I just need to take all the pieces life gives me, and rearrange them into a different kind of game.

So simple an idea…

But identities have to be built on actions. What actual actions have I taken that would suggest I'm better at fitting ideas together than the average person?

Inspiration

My music, for one thing. Look at any one of my compositions, I'm clearly good at imitation.

Quality Isn't Enough, Is It?

The Fundamental Interconnectedness Of All Things

I'm not the person I ought to be.

Conflict, about the blog part 2

I exist. No, really.

Forward March

I'm still not the person I ought to be. Putting myself up against that ideal should be as good for progress as putting myself up against other people.

Limits

I exist. No, really.

Forward March

I am making regular progress on the game.

No Way To Run A Production

If I'm not working on games, I could be doing lots of fun things but a part of me is going to know and that part of me is going to be depressed.

Purveyor of Silliness

When do I get serious about making games?

Tomorrow

I can't sit on the fence between "child" and "adult" forever. At some point I'll need to take a side.

Tomorrow

Home Collapsing

Happy 39th post!

How about later? Later sounds good.

Delayed, but successful

Glitchy transitions as horror

What's the rush? What's the difference if I take a long time to make them? Eventually I'll make the games, and that's all that matters.

Many Excuses

Glitchy transitions as horror

Happy 39th post!

It's not really so critical to set a date on it. Dates are entirely arbitrary. The entire calendar system is arbitrary. Heck, our entire measurement of time is arbitrary. So calm down. I'll set a clear course for my life when it's natural to, there's no need to force myself to get there sooner.

Glitchy transitions as horror

Time has a way of creeping up on you.

My interpretation of The Path

Before I know it I'll be an old man, who spends his days wondering why his life was so pointless.

Oh, by the way...

The Key to Longevity

If nothing else, my parents' house isn't a permanent living arrangement.

Wishing for Permanence

Money

I wish it were, but it isn't.

Stay out of my room.

Money

Ultimately it's my parents' home, not mine.

Get Out

Money

I really don't want to have to make money for myself.

Greed and Galuttony

I'm A Happy Little Cog

But wouldn't it be nice to have money?

I'm A Happy Little Cog

Jobs aren't necessarily unpleasant.

Ultimate Marvel comics

I could easily get a job as a critic, or even a comics editor!

Souls

No. This life here is all I've got. I've got to plan on making the most of it.

Why am I here?

The Key to Longevity

At the end of my life, I'm not going to be thinking back to my accomplishments. I'm going to be remembering all the little things. The fun I had. The people I knew. The little joys that I experience from moment to moment - they're all that really matters.

Many Excuses

I think I might be okay with that.

Many Excuses

Plans. I have no idea what the goal of life is, and I'm making plans.

A Discarded Opportunity

What if the whole point of my life is music? The only reason I haven't gotten far there is that I keep turning down genuine opportunities.

Creative Redundancy

Creative Disillusionment

Oh, don't start with that. I don't want to hear it.

Yom Kippur music

When I accept the chance to use my music, it immediately becomes the center of my life until I'm done. Maybe this means something.

Creative Redundancy

Light Confusion

Exploring a landscape of improvised music

How could the point of my life be music? I have no original ideas for music!

1 5 6

And maybe it means something that this doesn't happen to me with games.

1 5 6

Some perspective (to make myself feel better)

Like, maybe what it means is that music is a fairly simple system which I've been playing with for thirteen years already, whereas games are complicated and diverse and tricky and I've only just started making them recently. So let's not jump to conclusions, okay?

This is going to work.

It's all formulaic and derivative.

continue extrapolate repurpose

And my idea for a Zelda game is the same. So what?

Exploring a landscape of improvised music

Maybe I could combine games and music somehow. There are interesting things I could do there...

The Plan

No. I've already decided which games I'm making. There's no time for music games.

But I'm going way too slow. (It's a good thing there's no one counting on my progress.)

Limits

What if I'm not capable of being good enough? What if I run into the upper limit of what I can realistically achieve?

This is going to work.

I'm always learning, always figuring out exactly what I need to know. The more I program, the more natural it'll be. In short: I'll be fine.

Quality Isn't Enough, Is It?

It's always more frustrating than I expect.

The path is always rocky. When I try to work on a game, so much of my time is spent on such trivial nonsense and so little of it is satisfying creative work. I could start out saying "Today I'm going to implement this feature!", and end up spending an entire day tracking down unrelated glitches. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I just don't have the knack for it.

Aw, to heck with it.

The Fundamental Interconnectedness Of All Things

What I need to do is take all the skills I've gained from music and blogging and life in general, and figure out how to apply those skills in my games. Creation is creation- any problem I might come across in one medium can be solved by understanding how all the different media fit together.

So simple an idea...

Oh, is that all I need to do? Piece of cake! :D And I just know that the closer I get, the more complicated it'll be.

You are now entering Panic Mode. Have a nice day.

Semantics

But whatever. If it goes badly it goes badly. Like when I made a fool of myself in theater, did I quit? No, I just went right back in for more.

How The Audition Went

And, um, made a fool of myself again. Yes.

You are now entering Panic Mode. Have a nice day.

I can handle it.

I wonder if that's enough. Let's say I have the skills I need, and I make the best games I can possibly make. How do I know that that's going to pay off at all? Can I really get an audience for the weird things I want to make, just by making them good?

Where The Money Is

The Marvel / DC Comic Rivalry

Democracy of Morons

Can I really get anywhere in this world, having skills but no business sense?

$7.4 Billion

It's possible. John Lasseter was just a really good animator, and now he's got control of Disney. That's the best-case scenario: find a company that respects the skills, and hope they let you do what you need to do.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...

I guess the market does value quality sometimes. Marvel Comics is making much better comics than DC, so they get much better sales.

Interesting.

And then they get a bigger company to buy them out, so that they keep doing what they're doing and the big company can expand their audience.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...

People don't want quality, they want things they're familiar with.

Anticipating WALL•E

And yet, great works like WALL•E exist which are both excellent and unique. I guess once you build up a reputation, you can pretty much do whatever you like. But to get to that point you need a big company backing you.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...

Wait a minute, am I actually considering getting in bed with some evil corporation? Companies aren't just obsessed with money, they're also often stuck in the past.

IAM not

God Bless Google

Of course, not all companies are evil. Take Google, for instance.

Breaking up with Blogger

Google, the company that owns Blogger, which screwed me with my blog because what I was doing was too unusual for them.

IAM not

Two Glasses: Tanya and Erika

I'm not saying I necessarily need to work for a company. I'm just saying that maybe staying entirely disconnected from people who know what they're doing is not the greatest idea.

IAM not

No, I'm not going to stick myself into someone else's system. I'll find my own way.

I never said it would be easy. I've still got so many short-sighted bits of false perspective inherited from short-sighted people.

The question that must then be asked is whether it's worth it to go to such outrageous lengths as I will go, when all I can possibly get out of it is the satisfaction of a silly idea.

A Vision of Illinois

Maybe it's enough.

The Necessity of Dreams

The way I see it, ideas are like dreams. You come up with them without intending to, because at that point in time there's some feeling you need to give yourself, and that idea fits the bill. So the little light bulb goes on, you're happy, and you move on with your life. It's of practical value in that moment, and then it's not. There's no need to remember ideas for later, there's no need to tell others about them, and there's certainly no need to spend months or years or a lifetime fulfilling them. They're just dreams, nothing more. Ephemeral things which have outlived their usefulness.

The Second Lasagna

Let's Go To The Movies!

How can the little spark of that passing idea withstand the pressure of the work? How can it still seem to mean anything, after the sheer magnitude of effort required becomes apparent?

Many Excuses

How was it I put it? "When you're not that enthusiastic to begin with, and you have to fight to get there, it's never worth it." It's still true.

I am enthusiastic. If I didn't want to make games, I wouldn't have come this far.

How I play strategy games

But I don't want to enough. Long-term plans aren't as important to me as having fun in the moment, and I do not have fun making games.

The difference between a good teacher and a bad teacher

How can I convince other gamists to accept my changes, if my enthusiasm for the message gets dulled by the tedium?

Do I actually believe these things I'm saying?

The Long Friday

Or am I just babbling on and on because it's easier than doing something worthwhile?

Golden Fun: The Lost Age

A lot of things which seem childish actually are worthwhile. Over the years I've used rationality to try to improve myself, but really I was better off before all that.

Addictions

Exploration and Discovery

There's a certain joy of experience that's lost when you grow up.

Addictions

Yeah, I'm probably just rationalizing bad habits.

Pursuing gamism is the path that makes sense.