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Saturday, March 27, 2010

~I vs. I (finale)

Edit:

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I vs. I

A game by Mordechai Buckman


Late-night thoughts, none of them new
I scare people away, don't I. I wanted to argue with everyone, and now I've got no one left to argue with. No one but myself.

I'm not.
Just let me win already.
IF only
And what's so wonderful about arguing, that I'd want to do it even with myself?

♫ Some Day Myself Will Come… ♫
Who am I?
This is just stupid.
Maybe it's my fault, like she said. Maybe if I'd given my characters more to do, they would have stuck around.

Oh, no. Conflicted about the blog?
a quiet day
Wasn't the dream to love myself? I like that dream. What happened to it?

Myself and I
Two Glasses
Well, I never fit in with the kids at school...

Good Riddance
Rebellion Renewed
Seriously, what the hell am I doing here? I've been working on this post for months, and for what? Just to will into existence a conflict, to provide a suitable climax to a section of my life which I've defined myself! Okay, I've done artificially self-referential nonsense before, but this is going too far.

Matters of Taste
God damn it.
I feel like I'm playing that unwinnable game of Tetris. The more I write, the more I have left to write later!

Hollow Depth.
Every structure should have an exit.
Scene-switching
You know what? I'm out.












Just let me win already.
But this line of thought is getting me nowhere. Let's move on.

The Thinkers
Maybe some people like artificially self-referential nonsense!

Nonlinear long-form storytelling
Excellence vs. Accessibility
Granted, that's gotta be a small minority. I understand that most people want blogs to be simple. But if I want to do something bigger and more complex and even maybe a bit artificial, well, there's value in that too.

Purveyor of Silliness
I'm using an interesting structure here, okay? Give me some credit.

Purveyor of Silliness
which is right, I guess. I'm not supposed to fit in.

An Evil Statement
Game flow control
What is wrong with me? It's been five years since I got out of school, why am I still complaining about it?

You can take the kid out of the school…
21 Now
5 days, 5 years... what's the difference.

Deadline
It's a shame this post doesn't let you take back button-presses; that was a stupid thing to say.

An Evil Statement
Look, if God wanted me to be happy, he would have put me in a world where I didn't have to play the outcast. But I'm not supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to bring some more conflict to the world.

Religion
Counting Blessings
The Pathetic Life of a Super-Villain
No one "gets over" their past, they just learn to live with it.

"So what are you doing next year?"
Maybe it was just unrealistic. Reflections of myself (like this blog, for instance) are just going to magnify my flaws, like a microphone turned on its speaker. Only other people (who I insist on driving away, for some reason) can have a positive impact.

Diversity (and lack thereof)
Interview with an Ideal
But how am I supposed to meet those people who I ought to meet, if I'm perfectly content just jabbering to myself?

Interview with an Ideal
My relationship with myself is... complicated.

Simplify!
On a Scale From
I'm not the sort of person that can love anything or anyone unconditionally, not even myself. Everything's on a scale from 1 to 10, everything's subject to scrutiny and evaluation.

Is it really a good show?
But that's no excuse for ignoring feelings. When I analyze and challenge my gut feelings, I usually find that they make sense.

I couldn't figure out the math before.
Then let's make it simple.

Natural / Rational
The Trip
And that's what I'm doing, isn't it? All that frustration with the way things are has gotten me to realize that videogames are what I have to offer in my life.

I'll keep this brief.
By this point, I feel like nothing else in the world is particularly important, except for gamism.

I've been workin' on the weblog, all the live-long day...
And yet, I'm spending more time on this blog post than on The March of Bulk.

No Way To Run A Production
That's what I do, isn't it? I take complex life experiences, and boil them down into a collection of simple ideas.

Easterly Wave
Natural / Rational
Snapshots
Remind me again, how has that interpreting-the-world thing gone so far? Flawless track record, I take it?

That's better.
How To Fix X-Men
Oh, shut up. If I took the time to get all the necessary information and made an informed interpretation, I'd get it right.

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...
The truth is, the world is never really going to make sense to me. When I look at the apparent imperfections and contradictions in the world I can find a nice and neat little theory to explain how they'll make way for something better, but in the end that something better isn't going to come and the apparent imperfections will still be there. Face it: stories never go where I want them to. Why should life be any different?

Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...
But the ideas don't matter so much. Life isn't a series of ideas, it's a series of moments, and those are much more complicated. You can't boil an experience down into ideas without losing something.

The Seven Levels of Experience
Bah. Experiences only mean anything when they have an effect on me, and those effects always make sense.

Worth the paper
I couldn't figure out the math before.
Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...
Sometimes it seems like there's no sense, but I just need to be patient. If I try hard enough to make sense of things, they'll make sense.

Presents / Self Defense
Do I overthink things? I don't know, let me think about that...
I may be thinking too much.

Universal notation
But why should I bother trying to see the world so objectively? That's not even possible, really. So why not put aside the rationalizing and just try to enjoy life a little?

Deadline
Maybe it's better to not understand everything.

Many Excuses
the mundane and The Imaginary!
The real world is pretty dull, after all. Better to leave it mysterious and imagine that it's prettier than it is.

Beauty of the Mundane, Banality of the Imaginary
It's not enough for me to just have a thought, I always feel like I need to construct a whole system of thought around it so that it'll have perfect context. Every thought I might ever want to think needs to fit together somehow. That's not even really rationality anymore, it's just my obsessive need to neatly categorize everything. Not everything can or should be categorized!

Gamism Theory
Seventy-four
Sometimes there just isn't any real meaning to be found!

Gamism Theory
No, everything in the world can be fit together somehow, if I really sit down and try. I'm sure of it.

So simple an idea...
The correct way for How I Met Your Mother to end
Those little details in life that don't seem to matter will turn out to all be connected to each other. It all makes sense, really it does, I just need to figure out how. Maybe it won't be worth the wait, but it'll all fit together in the end.

"Are games art?"
And I think I know roughly what I'll find out. At some point by the end of my life, I'm going to be an influential gamist.

74
Since when am I so religious?

My American Brethren
Day of Wrest
Maybe I should go easy on the anti-society posturing. Life never goes well for the bad guy.

Superhero Symbolism: "Omega the Unknown"
Anyway, I prefer to think of myself as a misunderstood hero.

Interview with an Ideal
Hm. The "God hates me" rant would be a lot more convincing if I weren't so spoiled in so many ways.

Day of Wrest
I'm more religious than some.

7.00
A Typical Story
For me, religion is as much about making my father happy as it is about God. So I shouldn't be too quick to compare "how religious I am" to other people.

7.00
And don't I still resent God a little for imposing Shabbat on me?•
As the song goes:
Shabbat is over
My life may now resume
I thought I wouldn't make it
I thought I'd met my doom
I thought I couldn't take it
'Cause twenty-five hours is much too long for pacing 'round the room.
But enough of all this gloom
Shabbat is over
Time for a better day
My Gamecube and piano and computer I can play
Hooray! Hooray!
Callooh! Callay!
Shabbat is over now, come hear sweet freedom's call
"Barukh hamavdil bayn kodesh l'khol"
But as I move on I have one final plea
Hey God, could you please quit your picking on me?
Spare me the endless monotony which comes ever week
Let me live ever after happily or my future looks bleak
For what kind of life is it where every seven days I must go through a phase of such misery?
Let me be free of the madness!
Let me be free and let me feel gladness
Let me be free in a world without "shabbos"
Shabbat is over now
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free!

I enjoy Shabbat.
I've always gone on about how God is so antagonistic. And it's because of Shabbat, right? Every week, there's one day which I have to put aside to remind me that I'm not in control of my life, God is. This is what religion is to me- whatever God does for me, he's still the master and I'm still the slave, and if he decides on a rule I just have to go with it.•
As the song goes:
Shabbat is over
My life may now resume
I thought I wouldn't make it
I thought I'd met my doom
I thought I couldn't take it
'Cause twenty-five hours is much too long for pacing 'round the room.
But enough of all this gloom
Shabbat is over
Time for a better day
My Gamecube and piano and computer I can play
Hooray! Hooray!
Callooh! Callay!
Shabbat is over now, come hear sweet freedom's call
"Barukh hamavdil bayn kodesh l'khol"
But as I move on I have one final plea
Hey God, could you please quit your picking on me?
Spare me the endless monotony which comes ever week
Let me live ever after happily or my future looks bleak
For what kind of life is it where every seven days I must go through a phase of such misery?
Let me be free of the madness!
Let me be free and let me feel gladness
Let me be free in a world without "shabbos"
Shabbat is over now
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free!

I enjoy Shabbat.
Power Out
It's nice to have things taken away from us now and then. Every time we lose something, we gain something different. I just need to be open-minded enough to recognize what that is.

Friends
An Endless Shabbat
But I don't complain about that anymore. I realize now that Shabbat is a good thing.

Friends
Respite From Everything Else
That might just be because I'm working now. Anything will be more pleasant when there's a less-pleasant alternative. And Thursdays get really annoying.

Friends
An Endless Shabbat.
So I say, bring on the Shabbats. And bring on whatever God thinks I need! I can adapt.

Friends
But it's just as well, really- I do better without all the interruptions and awkward intrusions. I enjoy myself more, I get more done... it's all good.

The Multiplayer Experience
Socializing? Bleh!
Mistake, Lesson, Repeat
The worst part is when they try to give advice. Even with fictional characters- they all want me to be more like their idea of me, and less like my own. They all think they know what's best for me, especially the ones who don't understand me at all. Yep, better off without that headache. I'm better off without the company.

Please Insert Change
And what about all the great things you can only do with other people? What- are they supposed to find me?

Imagined Opportunities
No, it's just the nature of imaginary people. I always knew they'd let me down.

2.txt
Training Wheels Off
Meanwhile, in the future...
So that whole incident with expecting my imaginary girlfriend to be my boss... what was that, exactly?

Refuge
Start working.
Yeah, that was a mistake.

Refuge
It seemed to make sense, at the time. I had this character who could possibly have understood me, and recognizing that was just a huge relief compared to real people. So I got carried away.

Incompatible
No, I shouldn't be thinking about that. It's too tempting to start seeing possibilities that aren't there, and then I'd make a fool of myself... No.

Another one for the pile of regrets
Next Door to Opportunity
Sometimes it looks like there's something great just around the corner and all I have to do is walk over there and I'll get it, but then when I get there it turns out it was all just a trick of the light and I end up disappointed. Sometimes there's an opportunity right in front of my face, but that opportunity was only for someone else. Sometimes, I just can't get what I think I can get. I've got to stop thinking people will want to interact with me.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion
For most of the people I know, the default mode of interaction is smalltalk. I'm not missing much.

Incompatible
See, most of the people I know aren't people I could possibly have any kind of enjoyable relationship at all with.

Another one for the pile of regrets
Socializing in Solo
I'm surrounded by people who I can't relate to at all. Time and time again, I've seen that I can't get them to do anything with me.

Another one for the pile of regrets
Socializing in Solo
My Father And I Go To See Avatar
But what if there's someone who I'd want to meet? If I don't look to see what I'm missing, how will I ever know? What if there's someone who I really ought to get to know, but I only find out after it's too late?

People Who Need People
Outside the Comfort Zone
Fudgie and Willy
Sometimes it's worthwhile to be a little flexible.

People Who Need People
Yes, but what's the alternative? Relying on people who don't care that I'm relying on them?

My family
Matchmaker
Selfish Friendships
There's no sense in starting a relationship if I'm not going to get something out of it.

My family
Fudgie and Willy
Should I keep running after the emotional dead-end that is my family?

Friends
My Father And I Go To See Avatar
As long as I have a few friends to keep me company, I'll be fine. I don't really need any more than that.

I love my cat.
But why would anyone be my friend? I can't make them happy.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion
Anyway, I don't need them anymore. Over the course of writing them, I've come to see what they saw for myself.

Interview with an Ideal
Or was it me that let them down?

Interview with an Ideal
Pussywillow wasn't getting anything out of following Fudgie, and it's been years since he stopped. By my estimation, that makes me dumber than Pussywillow.

Matchmaker
Life is a single-player game. Throwing in more people ruins it.

Matchmaker
What about my father? He shares my interest in science-fiction, if he ever has the time for it.

We Don't Fit
Stop it already! Stop it! Why do I keep doing this to myself? My family is never going to do anything with me, except in very small doses and only if I keep prodding them and driving them crazy. This is not how a relationship is supposed to work!

Matchmaker
But I need human contact. That's a fact.

Pussywillow's embarrassing jump
So if and when I make a fool of myself, I've just got to pick myself up and try again. Eventually I'll find someone I can spend time with.

I Am a Rug, I Am an Onion
NOf course, no one has any obligation to even tolerate me. And who would? I'm a nobody.

Forward March
Alternatively, I could just give up now.

Illusory exodus
Natural / Rational
And what would that accomplish? An unearned freedom is just a temporary illusion.

Deadline
Purity
What's going on here is the age-old tension between emotions and ideas.

Purity
Playing Against Myself
No, it's the conflict between pretty thoughts and actual actions.

Who's telling this story, me or you?!
The Thinkers
Myst and Mirages
My god! How am I supposed to get a single coherent thought out, if every tiny little introductory statement I make is up for debate?

Natural / Rational
What's going on here is the age-old tension between emotions and ideas.

Purity
I don't want to be in conflict forever. It needs to be resolved.

The elimination of unworthy life
A Good Day
My Alphabet
So, what, some of my identity just gets thrown away like a bunch of weeds?

Order & Chaos
My Alphabet
Way it's gotta be. Either order wins, or chaos wins. There's no middle ground.

A Good Day
Thankfully, the solution is simple. I just need to have fun and stop worrying.

yawn... Hey, wait, does this blog still exist?
Alternate-Universe Me
Listen to me, I sound like a Hee fundamentalist. "Destroy the different! Maintain our idyllic state of purity!" I'm not sure it's less disturbing for the victim being myself.

The Perfect Color
But there's truth to it. A person who has opposing ideas fighting inside him is not going to have as much to offer society as a person who's let one idea thrive.

Wii
Then again, let's not exaggerate the importance of this truth. Not everything unfocused is necessarily bad! I like the Wii, don't I? The Wii is as unfocused as they come. And sure, I'd like it more if it were focused but I can appreciate it for what it is and it's been awfully influential for the interesting things it does. I wouldn't mind being like that.

Different Approaches
to Directing
The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise
You can try to do one thing really well, or you can try to be competent at everything. Both approaches are valid.

The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise
Hrmph. Things which aren't focused tend to go nowhere and end up with nothing accomplished. The same can be said of the Wii, and the same could be said of my life.

I'm supposed to be working now.
So I've got to stop distracting myself and focus on what matters.

Conflict, about the blog part 2
Which is probably what I did in most of the alternate universes out there, and it's certainly what my characters expect from me in this one. I'm a lazy person, it's in my nature. I'm perfectly content when doing nothing more than amusing myself. At any point I could stop fighting myself and let this timeline join the long list of others.

My interpretation of The Path
But at what point does the entertainment end? At what point do I start pursuing my actual plans for life?

Why am I here?
I have found that people who spend their days thinking about things tend to forget to ever do anything. It seems that the more you see the world in abstract concepts, the less involved you get with the world.

The Composer
It's a false world. Abstract concepts don't quite fit in it. It takes an ambitious person indeed to understand the world and still stay active in it.

Ready, Though Unworthy
It's always more frustrating than I expect.
And I'm not qualified to be that person. I'm not qualified to bring the real world closer to the world of ideas.

Mark Ecko, welcome to the Game Industry
Mimic and Mix
Or maybe I'm uniquely qualified. I'm always fitting random things from memory together in interesting ways. It seems to me that I couldn't do that if I didn't intuitively understand the ideas behind all those individual parts, and how those ideas worked in practice.

The Older Pianist
The Complete Rules of Moneyloopy
In Darkness
So okay, I don't know what I'm doing yet. But who does?

Mark Ecko, welcome to the Game Industry
If I'm not willing to push gamism in the right direction, then who will? The businessmen, who value money over creativity?

LostWinds: Tradition and Potential
Sports games
Now here's a good game!
The gamists, whose dreams are unfocused and aimless?

The Definitive Three-Step Method for Game Design
Sports games
Now here's a good game!
The gamers, who see all of gamism as one Form?

Sports games
Now here's a good game!
This is an industry where the most popular kind of game there is is sports games.

New Potentials
The Garden & Droplets: Metaludes
But there are some people who know what they're doing. Look at the work of Deirdra Kiai, for instance! She's throwing away all the old kinds of gameplay, and focusing on telling personal stories!

The Garden Needs Pruning: Adventures
So the adventure Form has one gardener who knows what she's doing. That's great. But considering that she's just one person and adventures are just one Form of many, I have to say that's not enough.

And so it begins...
Here, have some high culture.
Look at what David Shute is doing with exploration games! He's leaving out puzzles and action, and is doing some great work with world design!

The Garden & Droplets: Exploration
So there's one good gardener for exploration. That's not enough.

And so it begins...
Ball Revamped: Metaphysik
Look at the early work John Cooney did! He was making games which were focused on good control schemes...

The Garden & Droplets: Movement
Fine, so there might be one gardener for movement! But that's not enough!

And so it begins...
An industry so clueless, that my favorite kind of game isn't recognized at all!

New Potentials
And so it begins...
Listen to me. Gamism is going to get to where it needs to be, whether I'm involved or not.

Almost Possible
Oh, who do I think I'm fooling? I've seen what the current gamists are like. That time I went to Tel Aviv, I was surrounded by people whose only interest in gamism was monetary. The majority of Israeli game developers just make online gambling sites! There was only one guy there who I had any faith in at all. Roy Shapira knew what he needed to do and how to do it, and it was inspiring to talk to him. But his Form is action, which I don't even care about. And now I'm hearing that many of the people who'd been working for him have quit! And out of all those dozens of people in that bar in Tel Aviv, he was the only one with any potential at all. Really, who do I think I'm fooling. Gamism needs me.

74
What about all the new technologies that are being introduced these days? What about Project Natal, and Playstation Move, and even the Wii? Gamism is moving forward, with or without me.

The Impatient Phoenix Strikes (itself) Again!
Project Natal: Programmed By Machines
Project Natal works because it's generated by a computer program. No creativity needed, just efficiency. Businesses are good at that. Good software requires more of a human touch, and that's where the current crop of game developers are entirely inadequate.

Betrayal of Myst
Yeah, the industry's great at making new hardware. But when it's time to use that hardware for anything, they barely try.

Betrayal of Myst
When I look at how Myst fizzled out, and how Metroid was turned into an action series, and how Zelda has been spinning its wheels since 1998, I'm forced to conclude that the game industry does not know what it's doing.

74
No, it's the conflict between the old, real world and the new, virtual worlds.

Beauty of the Mundane, Banality of the Imaginary
Math Story
But you know, the real world really does have some appeal. Every world imaginable has its fair share of problems, and reality's no different, but it does have its charms.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance
Which do not outweigh the problems, unfortunately. So I'll take escapism over reality any day.

Deadline
No, that's not it at all. I decided to develop multiple personalities back in ninth grade, when I was under a lot of social pressure. I remember that; I don't remember changing my mind. I just left it as something that I might do, should circumstances arise that call for it. Well, maybe I really did lightly split my personality back in ninth grade. Maybe the two of me have been arguing ever since, and that's where this entire blog is coming from.

Holy. Cabooses.
But it's only recently that I've forced myself to define my two personalities clearly. Funny how God arranges things, isn't it? The split is coming to a head now because only now do they have names: Barnaby and Ambrose. One is scared of the world and is just waiting to be told what to do, the other thinks he rules the world and is waiting for everyone to accept that.

Deadline
A buffer from the Real World
Barnaby has no problem with wasting time, because he expects the "Corneliuses" of the world to deal with reality for him.

Tanya's back, and all's well.
But Ambrose needs to be entirely self-reliant, because the other people he might be deluded into counting on tend to have warped priorities.

Deadline
I just need to take all the pieces life gives me, and rearrange them into a different kind of game.

So simple an idea…
But identities have to be built on actions. What actual actions have I taken that would suggest I'm better at fitting ideas together than the average person?

Inspiration
My music, for one thing. Look at any one of my compositions, I'm clearly good at imitation.

Quality Isn't Enough, Is It?
The Fundamental Interconnectedness Of All Things
I'm not the person I ought to be.

Conflict, about the blog part 2
I exist. No, really.
Forward March
I'm still not the person I ought to be. Putting myself up against that ideal should be as good for progress as putting myself up against other people.

Limits
I exist. No, really.
Forward March
I am making regular progress on the game.

No Way To Run A Production
If I'm not working on games, I could be doing lots of fun things but a part of me is going to know and that part of me is going to be depressed.

Purveyor of Silliness
When do I get serious about making games?

Tomorrow
I can't sit on the fence between "child" and "adult" forever. At some point I'll need to take a side.

Tomorrow
Home Collapsing
Happy 39th post!
How about later? Later sounds good.

Delayed, but successful
Glitchy transitions as horror
What's the rush? What's the difference if I take a long time to make them? Eventually I'll make the games, and that's all that matters.

Many Excuses
Glitchy transitions as horror
Happy 39th post!
It's not really so critical to set a date on it. Dates are entirely arbitrary. The entire calendar system is arbitrary. Heck, our entire measurement of time is arbitrary. So calm down. I'll set a clear course for my life when it's natural to, there's no need to force myself to get there sooner.

Glitchy transitions as horror
Time has a way of creeping up on you.

My interpretation of The Path
Before I know it I'll be an old man, who spends his days wondering why his life was so pointless.

Oh, by the way...
The Key to Longevity
If nothing else, my parents' house isn't a permanent living arrangement.

Wishing for Permanence
Money
I wish it were, but it isn't.

Stay out of my room.
Money
Ultimately it's my parents' home, not mine.

Get Out
Money

Money
I really don't want to have to make money for myself.

Greed and Galuttony
I'm A Happy Little Cog
But wouldn't it be nice to have money?

I'm A Happy Little Cog
Jobs aren't necessarily unpleasant.

Ultimate Marvel comics
I could easily get a job as a critic, or even a comics editor!

Souls
No. This life here is all I've got. I've got to plan on making the most of it.

Why am I here?
The Key to Longevity
At the end of my life, I'm not going to be thinking back to my accomplishments. I'm going to be remembering all the little things. The fun I had. The people I knew. The little joys that I experience from moment to moment - they're all that really matters.

Many Excuses
I think I might be okay with that.

Many Excuses
Plans. I have no idea what the goal of life is, and I'm making plans.

A Discarded Opportunity
What if the whole point of my life is music? The only reason I haven't gotten far there is that I keep turning down genuine opportunities.

Creative Redundancy
Creative Disillusionment
Oh, don't start with that. I don't want to hear it.

Yom Kippur music
When I accept the chance to use my music, it immediately becomes the center of my life until I'm done. Maybe this means something.

Creative Redundancy
Light Confusion
Exploring a landscape of improvised music
How could the point of my life be music? I have no original ideas for music!

1 5 6
And maybe it means something that this doesn't happen to me with games.

1 5 6
Some perspective (to make myself feel better)
Like, maybe what it means is that music is a fairly simple system which I've been playing with for thirteen years already, whereas games are complicated and diverse and tricky and I've only just started making them recently. So let's not jump to conclusions, okay?

This is going to work.
It's all formulaic and derivative.

continue extrapolate repurpose
And my idea for a Zelda game is the same. So what?

Exploring a landscape of improvised music
Maybe I could combine games and music somehow. There are interesting things I could do there...

The Plan
No. I've already decided which games I'm making. There's no time for music games.

74
But I'm going way too slow. (It's a good thing there's no one counting on my progress.)

Limits
What if I'm not capable of being good enough? What if I run into the upper limit of what I can realistically achieve?

This is going to work.
I'm always learning, always figuring out exactly what I need to know. The more I program, the more natural it'll be. In short: I'll be fine.

Quality Isn't Enough, Is It?
It's always more frustrating than I expect.
The path is always rocky. When I try to work on a game, so much of my time is spent on such trivial nonsense and so little of it is satisfying creative work. I could start out saying "Today I'm going to implement this feature!", and end up spending an entire day tracking down unrelated glitches. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I just don't have the knack for it.

Aw, to heck with it.
The Fundamental Interconnectedness Of All Things
What I need to do is take all the skills I've gained from music and blogging and life in general, and figure out how to apply those skills in my games. Creation is creation- any problem I might come across in one medium can be solved by understanding how all the different media fit together.

So simple an idea...
Oh, is that all I need to do? Piece of cake! :D And I just know that the closer I get, the more complicated it'll be.

You are now entering Panic Mode. Have a nice day.
Semantics
But whatever. If it goes badly it goes badly. Like when I made a fool of myself in theater, did I quit? No, I just went right back in for more.

74
How The Audition Went
And, um, made a fool of myself again. Yes.

You are now entering Panic Mode. Have a nice day.
I can handle it.

74
I wonder if that's enough. Let's say I have the skills I need, and I make the best games I can possibly make. How do I know that that's going to pay off at all? Can I really get an audience for the weird things I want to make, just by making them good?

Where The Money Is
The Marvel / DC Comic Rivalry
Democracy of Morons
Can I really get anywhere in this world, having skills but no business sense?

$7.4 Billion
It's possible. John Lasseter was just a really good animator, and now he's got control of Disney. That's the best-case scenario: find a company that respects the skills, and hope they let you do what you need to do.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...
I guess the market does value quality sometimes. Marvel Comics is making much better comics than DC, so they get much better sales.

Interesting.
And then they get a bigger company to buy them out, so that they keep doing what they're doing and the big company can expand their audience.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...
People don't want quality, they want things they're familiar with.

Anticipating WALL•E
And yet, great works like WALL•E exist which are both excellent and unique. I guess once you build up a reputation, you can pretty much do whatever you like. But to get to that point you need a big company backing you.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho...
Wait a minute, am I actually considering getting in bed with some evil corporation? Companies aren't just obsessed with money, they're also often stuck in the past.

IAM not
God Bless Google
Of course, not all companies are evil. Take Google, for instance.

Breaking up with Blogger
Google, the company that owns Blogger, which screwed me with my blog because what I was doing was too unusual for them.

IAM not
Two Glasses: Tanya and Erika
I'm not saying I necessarily need to work for a company. I'm just saying that maybe staying entirely disconnected from people who know what they're doing is not the greatest idea.

IAM not
No, I'm not going to stick myself into someone else's system. I'll find my own way.

74
I never said it would be easy. I've still got so many short-sighted bits of false perspective inherited from short-sighted people.

74
The question that must then be asked is whether it's worth it to go to such outrageous lengths as I will go, when all I can possibly get out of it is the satisfaction of a silly idea.

A Vision of Illinois
Maybe it's enough.

The Necessity of Dreams
The way I see it, ideas are like dreams. You come up with them without intending to, because at that point in time there's some feeling you need to give yourself, and that idea fits the bill. So the little light bulb goes on, you're happy, and you move on with your life. It's of practical value in that moment, and then it's not. There's no need to remember ideas for later, there's no need to tell others about them, and there's certainly no need to spend months or years or a lifetime fulfilling them. They're just dreams, nothing more. Ephemeral things which have outlived their usefulness.

The Second Lasagna
Let's Go To The Movies!
How can the little spark of that passing idea withstand the pressure of the work? How can it still seem to mean anything, after the sheer magnitude of effort required becomes apparent?

Many Excuses
How was it I put it? "When you're not that enthusiastic to begin with, and you have to fight to get there, it's never worth it." It's still true.

:)
I am enthusiastic. If I didn't want to make games, I wouldn't have come this far.

How I play strategy games
But I don't want to enough. Long-term plans aren't as important to me as having fun in the moment, and I do not have fun making games.

The difference between a good teacher and a bad teacher
How can I convince other gamists to accept my changes, if my enthusiasm for the message gets dulled by the tedium?

74
Do I actually believe these things I'm saying?

The Long Friday
Or am I just babbling on and on because it's easier than doing something worthwhile?

Golden Fun: The Lost Age
A lot of things which seem childish actually are worthwhile. Over the years I've used rationality to try to improve myself, but really I was better off before all that.

Addictions
Exploration and Discovery
There's a certain joy of experience that's lost when you grow up.

Addictions
Yeah, I'm probably just rationalizing bad habits.

74


Pursuing gamism is the path that makes sense.


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything


There's so much to do, so much that needs to be done!


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything


If I don't make the games which I know need to be made, no one else will do it.


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything


If I succeed, I will have proven to myself that I can accomplish any goal I set for myself, no matter how outrageous.


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything


I can hide behind my inadequacies and say "Tomorrow I will be ready!", or I can accept my inadequacies and move forward regardless.


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything


The narrator is shown to be a character in his own right, called The Overthinker. He serves as the voice of rationalization, and is presented as an object of ridicule.


When I Grow Up, I Want To Do Everything
You know what the problem is here? You think that all by yourself, without anyone ever helping you, you can do absolutely everything you want. No concessions to reality, no backing out when you go too far.

Reinventing the Artist


Yes, that's exactly right. I can do everything I want, and there's no such thing as “too far”.

ונהפוך הוא
Mory, Mory, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Garden Grow?


You are certifiably insane.

Laziness May Be Hazardous To Your Health


Says the guy who could have given himself cancer so that he shouldn't have to wash the dishes. Next to you, I look like the most well-adjusted guy on the planet.

of acute leukemia
All-Star Superman
And if you really did kill yourself, no one in the world would care. You know why? Because you keep holding me back from doing anything anyone might care about!

The Nightmare Scenario
Simple Reactionary Dialogue Control


If I ever decide to hold you back, it'll only be to save you from your own stupidity. This blog post has taken more than two months. And for what? To take a bunch of blog posts which were perfectly fine as they were, and brute-force them into a dialogue system that never made any kind of sense. What's the difference between a question mark and an ellipsis? I don't know!

another post


Look at any other blog on the internet, then come back here and tell me again that what I'm doing here isn't worth something.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have Chronic Normalcy Syndrome.”


Since when do you know what people care about?

Not Alone
The Dream Cheese 740 Enhanced Computer Mouse!
You want to reinvent the wheel. You want to take things which everyone knows and is comfortable with, and throw out all the parts people expect. You haven't the slightest idea what people care about, and you don't even seem to want to know! It's all about you. It's always about what you want.

Not Alone


There are more people like me in this world than you think. People like me are going to be interested in what I have to offer.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have Chronic Normalcy Syndrome.”


Most of the people in this world are normal. They have normal lives and normal jobs and normal families and normal interests, and they'll have no tolerance for these attitudes you have.

Small and Insignificant
The world has no place for your work. So this is all a little game you're playing, nothing more. In the big picture, you can't matter.

I hate our dog.


Well-adjusted?! You made me read through all of All-Star Superman on a little whim of yours! You create this image of detached rationality only by abusing me!

Gender


Oh, are you going to cry now? You're acting like a stereotypical girl. Stop expecting me to care whether or not you're happy.

Strike one!


Then don't be too surprised when I totally ignore what you want.

I hate our dog.


You need to learn your place, my dear. You think you can just sit back and enjoy yourself and then get everything you want. Well, that attitude makes me angry, and you don't want to get me angry. I don't know how I'll punish you yet, but I will. So stop fighting me and start doing what I tell you to do!

Progress report


I have been doing what you tell me to do! I've gone along with all your delusions of grandeur. I've made games, I've joined plays, I've written down music, I'm working on this stupid blog post, and what have I gotten out of it? Nothing! I could find a job that's actually enjoyable, and I'd never need you again! Life doesn't have to be relentlessly miserable! So I'm suffering through this one last blog post to make you happy, but then I might be done with you.

I vs. I
If there were, I would've had a sign of it by now. But I've started down this path, and y'know, the world hasn't struck me down. When I tell people what my plans are they don't recoil in horror, they act like they approve. I know the obstacles are all surmountable. My path is clear. And as this blog is my witness, not even I can stop me! I am going to do what I have it in me to do, and the world will not strike me down!

Ah, the life of a cat.
"Don't Miss" Tour interrupted
Back to Nonazang


But don't you care if you're happy? Don't you want to be happy? Isn't that more important than this silly little plan of yours? Can't you just sit down and enjoy yourself and forgo all this needless pain?

I Am That Future Self


That's a lovely world you're describing. It's not the Real World. Your plans are so unrealistic that it is impossible to not fail. You'd better reconsider them.

I Am That Future Self


So what? People don't care about your plans, they're responding to my enthusiasm. Look at my first piano piece -little experience, little ambition, little coherence; but enthusiasm and love, that it's got. So it's good. If anyone approves of anything I'm doing, it's for no more reason than that I chose to care about it. You pushing yourself and beating yourself up, that's totally irrelevant. So all you ever need to do to prove yourself is stop trying and let me handle it.

I Am That Future Self


I don't think you understand what's going on here. I've already won. This post is just a formality. I've known for years that this was the direction my life had to go in, and now it's time to finish the job. You have the chance here to make a dignified exit, and then I'm going to throw you away like the pathetic excuse for a person you are.

WHAM!


Just until a new game comes out, and then you have no control anymore. It's all me.

A Matter of Respect
Thursday
Professional Manipulation


This little kid routine does not work. You don't want to change as you're told to, fine. We're changing my way. But I am not going to let you stay unproductive.

It's Only Pretend


Don't you worry about my control! I can be productive.

It's Only Pretend


Are you sure you want to fight this fight? I can make you so miserable you'll wish you were dead.

Lost in Myst
It's Only Pretend


And I can twist all your productive urges into what I want! You'll never finish another game in your life!

No work done.


What if it's a really good game that comes out? How sure are you that I won't get over the depression?

Okay, this is going nowhere.


I'll set new restrictions and rules. Then you'll have to do what I want.

Pained by Numbers


Ha! Is that all you got? Rules? Rules have loopholes. I'll end up entertaining myself, same as always.

No work done.


No work done! No work done! No work done!

I vs. I


I vs. I

All I want is a simple life.

I will not accept a simple life.

To be happy, I need to keep doing what comes naturally to me.

What I need is to get farther than my lazy nature will take me.

This uncertainty and analysis and self-hating is all counter-productive.

Suffering's just part of the deal.

Let me enjoy myself!

Let me apply myself!

I can focus my energy on things which won't make me entirely miserable.

I need to plan, and I need to follow through.

Stop attacking me!

Stop holding me back!

You can't make me grow up!

I'm going to grow up if it kills me!

Posted. 

About Me

About Me
Child
Wanting recognition,
I walk alone.
Never will I follow!
They walk in that direction;
I think I'll stay right here.
This is a nice place, isn't it?

About Me

Gamist
Needing freedom,
I look ahead.
Will they ever follow?
They run toward the money;
There is no place for art.
I promise you tomorrow will be different.

First Movement

Time for what's next.

Posted @ 7:52 PM     8 comments

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8 Comments:

Squinky said:

Impressive. I've never seen anyone do this sort of thing with a blog before.

 
Tamir said:

I don't imagine that many players of this game will have a goal, but I did.

I used to really dislike you, Mory. I saw you as a waste of potential, a parasite, a person who cared only for his own happiness. Over the last few years I've gotten to know you a bit better, through speech and through blog, and I also saw you change. Now, though I may not agree with you or share your goals, I have a lot of respect for you. You're still a dreamer, but a creator as well. You're making goals and reaching them, measuring sticks and standing tall. Yet you've lost none of your creativity or your uniqueness.

I think that the Mory emerging from this post is the Mory I'm happiest to see. And I hope I get to watch his dreams come true.

 
Richie Sevrinsky said:

I always had a sneaking suspicion that your multiple blog personalities were generated by ELIZA.

 
Sima said:

Really creative! unusal blog, I showed this post to all my friends and families. They loved it, including me!

 
Kyler said:

Is this the end of the blog, or is it just the final form and it will continue to evolve and grow?

 
Mory said:

This post is the end of part II, the end of a five-year section of my life, the end of posting on Blogger, and with that the end of posts that allow for comments. (Well, technically there will be two more posts, but the first will be an epilogue of sorts and the second will be a transition to part 3.) This post is not the end of the blog, and that's a promise. I'll be ready to start the next section in a month or two.

 
The Reish Galuta of the Geula said:

Ok, is it bad that I read through the source and found a dead end and felt the need to then click through to it?

 
Mory said:

Um, no, I don't see why that would be bad. The dead end is from when I first started working on the post, and felt like I was just wasting my time. It is a valid ending. If you mean that it's bad that you looked through the source code, I really don't mind that at all.

 

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