I've finished the second season of title="Tapestry Thread: WHAM! (first paragraph)">B5 and don't yet have the third.
Our ancient TV has burnt out.
I'm not making any progress with title="Presents / Self Defense">Smilie.
I've started a new piece of music, which is moving along really quickly.
I'll skip the usual drawn-out narrative and get to the real issue: Why?
I'm not going to even bother asking whether I'm wrong, because I don't really care. If I were to be handed irrefutable proof that my future is as a musician and not a gamist, I'd ignore it.
And you know?- this is pretty close to that proof. Writing my latest masterpiece comes easily; Writing for Smilie is a chore. My earlier title="Creative Redundancy">argument about originality has suddenly been reversed!- For the first time, I think my new music is unique. I tried writing down the RPG ideas I have, and what I've put to text so far seems naggingly derivative! On previous occasions, I've always been able to claim that my gift in music gave me a unique perspective on gamism, but that can't be applied here- There is no clear connection between Smilie and the music, and my composition is taking me away from the path to gamism.
Why can't it be easy to write games?
Why must I have the gift of music, though I have no desire to use it?
Why should my life make way for music, but not for games?
Why am I pulled in without accepting it?
I have always prevented myself from going in too deeply simply by inaction. I was twice given the opportunity to get serious with my music. Both times, if I had said yes I would have gone far. I didn't do the composition bagrut. I didn't perform for my school. I didn't learn the piece Stasia gave me. I didn't learn the duet a neighbor gave me. If I had recorded my compositions, I could have gone far. I was twice given the opportunity to do so. I have made my decision time and time again.
And even so I keep getting pulled along. It was not Smilie that I gravitated to, but a piece which had not yet even been started. I cannot write up my RPG, but notes spill out of my fingers. And now my sources of entertainment are cut off, but for the online radio station devoted to classical music: so simple, so accessible. I'll ignore it.
I'll ignore it all. For now.
The path to music lies ahead.
Distractions from that path have disappeared.
But the question remains: Why?