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Monday, February 20, 2006

Mistake, Lesson, Repeat

It started when I noticed that my 18th birthday was coming up. 18 has a lot of symbolical significance. It's the age at which a person is legally an adult. With that comes the ability to vote, of course, which in theory gives me partial ownership of this country, along with all the other morons above age 18. Wow, that's a scary thought. In G'matriya, 18 is "Chai" which means living. Or "Chet" (sin), now that I think about it.

Anyhow, I panicked. I should have said that I did not choose to attribute any significance to the number eighteen, and left it at that. Instead, I wrote the following post on the Adventure Gamers forum:
I haven't been very open here in the past, but I need to get this out of my system, and I don't exactly have any friends in the real world. Maybe if I write it up I'll feel better. My 18th birthday is coming up soon, and it's really getting to me. This is the legal age of adulthood, and what I really want is to push that off, oh, say five more years. It's not that there's any specific problem than this; it's just the general concept that now I will be expected by society to be an adult.

Oy, listen to me, I sound like a condescending kid's cartoon written by adults. This is awkward. I'm out of high school, and have no job (well, I have one very small job once a month, just so I have enough money to buy a game once in a blue moon). Studying any more is out of the question. The question I'm facing is obviously, "What do I want to do with my life?", but I really don't want to answer that question. It's so much easier to ignore it, like I've ignored everything I didn't like in my life. The fact is, I know exactly what I want to do with my life- I'd like to do as little as possible.

But this answer isn't good enough. I want to make games, I really do. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I just want to be at the top, to be in a position where I can make games. Ugh, I don't know what I want. I certainly don't want anything enough to work for it. Yeah, that's a good excuse. Maybe now I can play my games in peace. Okay.

So I've said it. Hm, I don't feel any better. :(

In all my apocalyptic ramblings, I didn't notice that I had no cause whatsoever for alarm. The worrying about eighteen was just in my head; if I wanted to continue along the path I'd set for myself, a number certainly couldn't stop me.

It was because of the mistake of putting it on the forums that my real problem started. It was inevitable that it would, though it took a while. My friendly forumites tried to set me up on some insane trip to redefine myself as they thought best, and it ended up with me completely depressed, making a complete fool of myself and not caring too much.

At any point, I could have told the other posters to stop giving suggestions. I should have said:
I don't want any of your help, and no good will come of offering it. Just trust me on this: you don't want to try to change me.
That would have been it, no? I would never have had any problem at all. Instead, I humored them and came up with rational arguments for not going.

Anyhow, I'm perfectly fine now. I have had a very nice day, and I'm not worried in the slightest about tomorrow. I have written off the entire thread as a mistake, and have resolved (once again) to never do anything like it in the future.

So why am I even bringing it up again? Why am I putting this out in the open on my blog? Well, to approach this rationally, I have four very good arguments:
  1. I created this blog to show a truthful portrayal of myself. If I gloss over such unflattering events, I'm not being true to that vision.
  2. This is a lesson I have needed to learn for a very long time. Maybe by putting it here, I can remind my future self to not repeat this mistake.
  3. It is a testament to the great qualities of my fellow Adventure Gamers posters that even after I bothered them so much (as I must imagine I did), they were still kind to me.
  4. I still feel bad about starting the thread. Maybe if I write it up, I'll feel better....



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