title="Tapestry Thread: WHAM!">Not so unexpectedly, my velocity is back to zero. Once again, I am reminded that life as a chair ornament isn't bad, all things considered. Fantastic, as a matter of
fact. Here I am, with no responsibilities in the world. No one's in the room right now but me; No one would mind if I played through those last few levels of
Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat. What a great game. Or I could continue watching Babylon 5- even greater.
But I've done all this. I've been here before. I don't want any portion of my life to be
redundant. Then again, only the format's redundant, not the content. Oh, why must these thoughts torment me so? If they'd only go away, I could enjoy myself, as I've been enjoying this past month or so. Good times.
But... um, there must be a reason to bother myself. Hmmm... Oh yes, I can't do this forever.
But I'm not asking for forever (though it would be nice), just an hour or two. Yes, well, hmmm... That's right, the world wants me to be..Oh right. Scratch that thought. Oooh, maybe
fear will do the trick:
[ahem] Your father knows you don't deserve this life, and he'll kick you out of the house! Nah, doesn't work.
Why don't I just stop dodging the issue?- In fact, I think I will. Right. I have no motivation to do anything even remotely resembling productivity.
Well, if you bring it up I guess the blog sort of- Oh right, I'm dodging the issue. Er,...
What was I talking about again? Right, right, the lack of motivation. Despicable, simply despicable.
Though, if you really stop and think about it, it's not specifically a problem so much as- Despicable! And the problem must be dealt with. Am I not in control of my own actions? Of course I am, though I like to act
indirectly. The blog was a good tool for my further self-corruption
[Heh, heh.] but my plans were thwarted by the wall of games.
Though you have to admit they were really good. Beside the point, beside the point! The point is, there is a problem, and it will be dealt with.
The problem is that I am so unwilling to incorporate productive activities into my daily routine. Every day, I follow the same basic schedule, designed to provide instant gratification at all times.
I wake up, and head straight for the computer. I open Firefox, whose home page is twenty tabs: The blog, GameCritics and Adventure Gamers, game sites and movie sites, comic strips and an extra blank tab. Then I check my RSS feeds. Then I check my e-mail, if I wish. Then I have lunch: a Lender's bagel and Philadelphia cream cheese. And then I do whatever I please until long past midnight, at which point I reluctantly go to sleep. It's all so maddeningly
satisfying. What I
need, what I need is some time in my schedule in which I will do some productive work.
Content is irrelevant; it's the
format I need to get used to.
This is all just academic; I have no reason to want any of that. The blog was motivation enough, for a time, but I won't use it again- It's been done. So here's a second solution: a letter from my grandfather.
Write and let us know what you are doing (in more that one word, if you can).
So
simple that I can't
not answer- I've told him on numerous occasions that if he should ever write, I'd respond. And this all underscores the fact that I said I'd have made progress by the time they came here. I'd better stand by my word.
It's settled, then. For the rest of the day, I will do only boring, productive work. Tomorrow, I will do more. There's no lack of material to play and watch, so this trial recreates its predecessor. Progress will be made.
Update (7:03 PM): I've changed my mind. I can't work like this, with all this noise around. Instead, from this day forth I shall impose upon myself new rules:
- In the morning, I may not browse the web until I have proven myself deserving.
- I may not start any new activity past midnight. I may only finish up what I have already been doing.
Good enough, I think. Now, back to Babylon 5.
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