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Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Long Friday

Pesach's coming up. The fact that I'd start a post on such a banal note should say a lot as to how unremarkable this week is going to be. The fact that I'm analyzing what I'm saying without actually having said anything should be another clue. I'm warning you now, this is a waste of a post. You won't miss anything if you skip it. Seriously. I mean, I'm not going to say anything important. I rarely have anything important to say on Fridays. Now, today may not technically be a Friday, but it sure feels like it. Every day until Pesach will feel like a Friday. The girls are home making noise. Not exactly the best environment for creativity. There's this sense that I'm being pushed into doing work, that just sitting and relaxing is not acceptable. From that, naturally, comes the need to procrastinate. I'm doing that by writing this post. Sure, this post doesn't actually say anything, but it's a tool, you see, a tool. A tool for procrastination. See, the longer I keep this post going, the longer I have an excuse to not work. And everything feels like work- my mother even manages to make eating feel like work, by making it so clear how much chametz we have to get rid of. So I'm putting off lunch. I guess I'll have to eat after this post. What a shame that I have nothing to say, because I really need this post to go on for a while. Okay, so I don't really need it, but it would be nice. Or rather, the alternative would not be nice. Is the negation of something not nice nice? Maybe. Will I have to end this post soon? Definitely. Hmmm, can't talk about the weather too much, it's boring today. How 'bout gamism? I had planned to- nah, not the best time for writing something like that. You know the really funny part of all this? Okay, so it's not really funny, but it's sort of strange. Anyway, what's kind of funny is that writing this post is starting to feel tedious. It feels like my duty to procrastinate. It feels like work. Bleh. So I could stop working on this post- no, no- then I'd have to do real work. What, like eating? Yeah,.. no! No. Hey, wait a minute, when did I decide you could split into two characters without line breaks? Eah, whatever. And I'll have to wrap this up- You can only go on for so long about absolutely nothing. There must be a point where you just can't keep blabbering on, right? You know, when it occurs to you that you've got absolutely nothing to say? Because after you realize that, you couldn't possibly keep talking, right? That would just be awkward.

Okay, this is awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have started this post to begin with. But actually, maybe it's a good thing. The blog's a reflection of my life, right? And the way this post is going, it's completely expendable, right? You know, talk is cheap and all that. And on Fridays, even week-long Fridays, life feels cheap. It fits. Good. I'm so glad I settled that. I wouldn't want to be worrying about cheapening the value of the blog without good reason. And I guess this is as good a reason as any. I wonder if I could squeeze an interactive dialogue in here somehow, just to give myself an excuse to continue the post? Nah, too much work. Anyway, as I was saying (though was I actually saying anything?), it really feels like a Friday. So much so, that I'm expecting bourekas for lunch. Sure, I know it's not Friday, but tell that to my stomach. Or don't- that would be pretty weird. Oh no, I'm boring my readers to death. Then again, there are two reasons not to worry about that. First of all, my readers listened to me when I said, back at the beginning of this post, to skip it. My readers trust me, see. They know that when I say I'm about to waste a post I'm about to waste a post. And they have better things to do with their time than read a waste of a post. So my readers aren't actually reading this. Secondly, and this is a crucial point, I don't actually have any readers. Okay, so I have one or two, but there are two reasons I can say I don't have any readers. First of all, they're smart enough not to be reading this, so they won't be offended. I mean, how can you be offended by something you haven't read? Secondly, I'm rounding it to the nearest five. That's an acceptable thing to do, no? You hear about seventy-four of something, and you're asked how many it is, you say seventy-five. Because who really cares about the other one, right? Sure, that one might be crucial in reality (say, if you're talking about people), but it's not reality, it's just numbers. So it's perfectly alright for me to say that I have zero readers. Or say the time is 1:02. Would you say it's "one o'two", or would you say it's "one o'clock"? Now, there is a small chance that you might say it's "one o'two", but I can ignore that for two reasons. First of all, the fact that you might say it that way doesn't negate the validity of rounding it down. Secondly, you're not reading this, so what difference does it make how you personally would say it? ...and now that I've put that in the wrong order, I can't continue to a fourth branch. So I've got nothing left to say. Of course, it could be said (and I do believe I've said already) that I had nothing to say to begin with. But now I really have nothing to say. Bleh, Fridays.



That was actually a pretty amusing post, at least the ending was.
Yes, that means I read the whole thing through and that also means that I wasn't smart enough to stop reading when you implied that it would be a smart thing to do and your readers are smart enough to know to stop reading, but I read it so I guess I am not smart enough to be counted as a reader, since I am being considered a zero anyway, not even a reader.
Now what can we say about the people who DID read this post: well, one idea is that they didnt trust you, but you said they always do, so that means you have a fickle reader. Secondly, maybe the person who read the post all the way through was as bored as yourself, so they read it to identify with how you were feeling when you wrote the post or they were just bored, so they read it. another idea is that they too wished to waste time and push things off, so they read the post.

I think you secretly enjoyed writing the post, so you continued to do so even after you realized that you had nothing to write...

Eh, it's not much of a secret. I had nothing to say that wouldn't be superfluous, so I figured I'd go with the "superfluous" theme. I've never done that before, you understand. Which means (and I hardly need to bring it up) that this post is not superfluous. I think I've failed.

Now, as to the claim that you've read this post- you're lying. I've thought it through quite thoroughly, and I have never given any of my zero readers any reason to mistrust me. As a matter of fact, just a few hours ago all zero readers informed me that they trust me completely, so this isn't even up for debate.

Furthermore, given that I have chosen (with perfect mathematical validity) to round the number of readers down to zero, you don't actually exist. In other words, you're a piece of fiction I have concocted- an IF, to use my old term. And as any writer knows, the writer has full control over the actions of his fiction within the boundaries he has set up. So when I deal with all my fictional readers (including you, I'm afraid) at once, it is in my power to decide what they will do. Therefore, when I said that my readers had stopped reading, it was retroactively so. In fact, to prove that I control my fiction, all the readers of this comment will now close their browsers. See?

The part at which this gets complicated is when you (in your comment) raised some points I had not considered. There are several ways this could have happened, but unfortunately they all involve me being certifiably insane. I'm not too happy about it, but logic forces me to accept this conclusion, and so I will! The most obvious result of all this is that I can say with full certainty that this blog post is not superfluous, because it proves that I am insane- which could not have been inferred as irrefutably from any previous posts! And so I certainly have failed with this post, but that is to be expected- After all, an insane man cannot hope to always succeed in what he sets out to do.

The second result is that now I can write a perfectly nonsensical comment like the one you have not been reading (since I have put it into IMX canon that you stopped after the third paragraph), I have a good excuse. I'm so proud to have written such a productive post! :)

Hehe, you really are insane...made me laugh, though. ^_^

Also, I love the comparison between life and Mau. So very true.

so I have been rounded down to being a zero and now you are telling me that I am imaginary... I guess it is true that we not only learn new things everyday, but there is always something new to discover about oneself... I am not real... how disconcerting...


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