For a very long time I've been saying that music isn't the way forward for me. But I'm only starting to really believe
. I'm in the early stages of composing around ten different pieces, and I have little desire to continue any of them. When I'm in the mood for music I sit at the piano and play some old theme which never aspired to go anywhere, and I just play it over and over and over until I'm not in the mood for music anymore.
Music is like dreams. It serves a necessary
purpose, in that it fulfills certain abstract emotional needs that are hard to describe in words. But there's nothing glamorous or interesting about music. It's like food. When I'm hungry, I eat. I don't care what it is that I'm eating, I just need to not be hungry anymore.
The one part of my repertoire which still has a spark for me is the music I've planned for my games. Some of it is for games which are a few decades away at best, but playing the music reassures me that I'm going to get there someday.
I've been telling myself over and over that games are what's important, and the words are starting to sink in. Music which isn't for games doesn't matter.
A parallel could easily be drawn to math
, where I was really good at it until I lost interest and never did the final tests. I still use math, but only as a part of making games. I expect it'll be the same way with music someday. Everything I do eventually needs to be focused toward making games.
From that perspective, my upcoming CD is the symbol of an ending. "I'm done with this field, here's what I've accomplished in it." I know I ought to practice for it, but it hardly seems necessary. It's not like I have any reason to impress anyone with it. I'll just figure out the details as I'm playing.